2. Damn. There’s Jessica from accounting. Don’t talk to me. Don’t talk to me, Jessica. This is my alone time. “Oh, Hi Jessica! How are you?”
3. *Gets into car. Oh God. What IS that between the seats? Not looking. Ignoring it. *Immediately tries to dig it out with car key.
4. To Do: Do homework, have dinner, put kids to bed. WINE
5. Random 3pm ‘Hey, how are you?’ text from husband definitely means he wants to have sex tonight. When did 3pm texts become acceptable foreplay?
6. Trish is always posting facebook pictures of her hot yoga class – kind of annoying
7. I need to try hot yoga.
8. Trish has great hair.
10. I feel really badly for yelling at my kids this morning. But seriously, who plays catch with a pen? I asked them three times to stop. Still, I wish I had more patience. But C’MON….catch with a pen?
11. Ugh. The ‘school bake off’ is tomorrow – I’ll buy those cupcakes & mash them up a bit to make them look homemade. Yes! I am a genius.
12. Need to do laundry. Son is down to last pair of underwear, if you don’t count the ones he came home with last week that were not his. And too small. I think those might be girl’s underwear. Can I count those?
13. Ok, I’ll have sex, but after wine.
14. ‘Ooo, classic rock hour’. Madonna? Classic rock? Even Madge can’t win.
15. Need to work on Tommy’s math tonight. God, I hope the tutor shows up. I don’t understand Common Core, nor do I know how to explain it, nor do I want to.
16. My kids are definitely smarter than I am.
17. Singing out loud with Madonna: “And I feel…like I just got home…and I feel….Idontknowthewords…bada… feel…”
18. I hope my husband doesn’t text me and tell me to stop at the grocery store.
19. Why can’t they just do math the regular way? I hate Common Core.
20. *Pulls in to the grocery store parking lot. Yes! A spot! Do NOT take that spot, lady. I will totally bash your car.
21. Yes! In and out in 7 minutes flat! I am super mom! *Grabs a cookie from the grocery bag. I know it’s refined sugar, but I had to get them. My kids only have one childhood.
23. Looks in rearview mirror. Whoa. Look at those roots. And eyebrows. Mental note to self: get hair cut, color, eyebrows and all other services done next week – over lunch hour.
24. Oh my God. Did I forget to pack Tommy’s lunch today? Or that field trip permission slip? Damn. I know that’s on the coffee table. I think I might be the worst mom in the class. I think I’m failing third grade.
25. Taking the long way home, and driving around the block 10 times to finish listening to this song. This is the best song ever. Who is this?
26. Oh, it’s Luke Bryan. Or is it Ryan? Whatever. He is totally cute. I would have definitely been into country music if he were around when I was in high school. Wait, I think he was – just learning to ride a two-wheeler then.
27. What would happen if I just kept driving?
28. God I wish I still smoked.
29. Definitely will finish that report after bedtime, and before wine. Ok, maybe after wine.
30. Is this what I should be doing with my life?
31. Do not freak out, do NOT freak out when you get home and the house looks like a bomb has gone off. I am a calm and rational person.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to Karen Dallesandro, Tracy Stout, Rachel Cook, Paige Panzer-Kozek & Anne Kennon for contributing to this post!
Patty McDonough Kennedy is a writer, speaker, trainer and entrepreneur. She has lived and worked in a number of countries, and mostly writes about life, motherhood, business, sisterhood, and the fabulous mess that can be. When she has other general musings and observations - she'll throw those in there too. In addition to her own writing, her blog ((Laugh Lines)) also features guest posts written by men to bring different perspectives. Contact her at pkennedy@humanworks. guru